Oh... we're moving?

To move you need to have boxes right? And those boxes need to be filled with your things? And you need a way to transport those boxes? And there's something else right? Oh right, a place to move into?

Yeah... none of that going on here :/ I don't even actually know when we'll be moving. Deployment departure dates are always up in the air so it's hard to pin down a time to move. We'll probably end up spending a good bit of time here in NC AFTER James leaves. I don't want to pick a date to move and end up having it be before his departure. I really don't want to live apart any longer than we absolutely have to.

Next week Sam and I are flying to PA to visit family and look at some apartments. Hopefully we can find one that's affordable, has 2 bedrooms, and a washer and dryer. That's seriously all that's on my list. I would love another big, gorgeous apartment like we have now, but it's just not going to be worth it for 7ish months.

In other news... Sam has stood alone for a few seconds here and there lately. He's growing up WAY too fast! I boxed up some of his old clothes yesterday (Oh hey! I guess I DID do something to get ready for moving!) and found the outfit he came home in... oh my goodness! It was so tiny!! I can't believe he EVER fit into that little thing. I'm not going to lie... I've got a little bit of baby fever. Not going to do anything about it though. James would miss most of the pregnancy and the birth if I got pregnant now. *sigh* Something to look forward to when he comes home I guess. I think Sam would like having a little brother or sister :) Someday...

Speaking of Mr. Sam... I hear him waking up, which is good because we need to get ready to leave for a playdate!




The day we brought him home...






8.5 Months old

*Yawn*

I'm tired. Sometimes Sam sleeps, sometimes he does not. His consistency is gone as far as sleep is concerned, but his consistency as far as knowing when is the very worst time for him to get into exactly something that he shouldn't is there.

Okay that's not entirely true. He naps fine during the day. He wasn't, but I tried this thing called 'wake to sleep' where I go in about 20/25 minutes after I've laid him down (he forgot about how he used to put himself to sleep and I'm just rolling with it)and sort of tickle his neck and move his arms until I see him move his head and fingers, then I place my hands on his back as he settles back into his nice deep sleep. Then he'll nap longer than 30 minutes like he was for a while there. So... naps, good. Nighttime, not so much. Some nights? Down at 8, up at 4 to eat, back to sleep til 7:30. *sigh* those nights are awesome. Other nights? Down at 8, up at 10, up at 11 to eat, up at 3 to eat, cry, struggle, fight me til 5 or 6, sleep til 7:30/8. And anything in between. It kinda sucks not knowing from night to night how it will go, but oh well... what can I do? I let him cry for exactly 3 minutes the other night when I was too frustrated to go in at that moment. In those 3 minutes he worked himself up into a hysterical, about to throw up, snotty mess. And I felt like the worst mother ever. I know cry it out works for some people, apparently we're not cut out for it though. When I'm sitting in his room nursing Sam in the rocking chair, trying not to let him roll right off my exhausted lap onto the floor... I try to remind myself that someday he'll grow upand I'll miss when he was so little and snuggly. But then I think, omg what am I going to do when he's 15 and not sleeping through the night! I do not want to sit in this rocker with a teenager on my lap! It's hard to be rational at 3am...

What makes my days more exhausting is Sam's new fondness for things he's not allowed to have. He will crawl over his blocks, singing dog, wooden beads on wires toy thing, books, mirror, rattles... and flick the doorstops back and forth for a few minutes before shoving them in his mouth. What's a pile of toys when you can play with a spring? He pulls up to stand on the low windowsill in our living room and licks and sucks on the windowpane. Yes. Our child... is a window licker... He pulls up to stand on this little footstool we have between the couch and the wall (it's purpose is to block his way so he can't get behind the couch were the books are). As he stands there he tries to pull his chest up onto it, and lifts his little leg in the air, looking at me like, "uh Mom? I'm trying to climb over this thing? Can I get a boost?" He will be playing perfectly happily, quietly, and contentedly with his toys while I sit with him, but as soon as I get up to go pee, he crawls after me and plays with the bathroom trashcan. And, judging by the way he cries when I take said trashcan away, it's the coolest toy ever and I am the MEANEST mom there ever ever was for taking it away.

Currently he is repeatedly opening and closing the little hatch on the top of his toy boat. It's loud. He likes to make noise, he likes to make a lot of noise. At dinner, in between shoving large bits of whatever we've given him into his mouth, he shouts 'Mamamamamamama babababababa mumumumumumum!' as loud as he possibly can.

He's loud. He's exhausting. But he's also the cutest, funniest thing I've ever seen and I love him :)

Pre-Deployment Goals & Re-visiting sleep...

OPSEC. Operational Security. Something worth mentioning as I dive on in to deployment related blogging. Following OPSEC helps ensure a safe, timely return of all of our troops. With the ease of internet access these days, so much information ends up out there for anybody's eyes to see. A simple Facebook post about a deployment departure or homecoming can get into the wrong hands and spell disaster for the unit coming or going. Following OPSEC means never sharing publicly (social networking sites, blogs, emails) dates, times, or locations of troops. If a unit's command becomes aware of information being posted publicly, the departure or return dates can be changed for safety reasons. And so, as I countdown to James' departure day, and then to his homecoming, I'm going to have to be very vague.

So anyway, today I made James' Valentines Day gift. It's a small, soft cover photobook of pictures of the two of us. I really love how it turned out! Shutterfly is awesome! I made it small and with a soft cover so that he'll be able to take it with him when he leaves. That got me thinking about all the things I want to do and make before he leaves. Things for him to take with him, things for me, and things for Sam. Here's the list of things I've come up with so far

For James

-Valentines Day photobook
-Daddy&Sam photobook (might send to him as a Father's Day gift, so this one might not exactly be a pre-deployment project)
-a photo calender
-"Reasons I Love You" book
-jar full of inspirational notes
-videos on his computer of Sam and I talking to him (make some before he leaves, send more in care packages)

For Sam

-Daddy Doll (a person shaped doll with a full size picture of James on it, possibly also with a recording of James saying, "I love you")
-Daddy&Sam photobook
-photo board book
-photo calender
-recordable books
-Daddy videos saved on the computer (make some before he leaves, also have him make more throughout the deployment and send them home on a usb drive)
*I love you
*Good night
*Be good
*Good job buddy
*I miss you
*I'll be home soon


For Me

-Journal (going to start it now)
-large wall calender to cross off days and tear off months. Write in milestones to break up the time into chunks
-post it notes with quotes and song lyrics to make a wall countdown once we move up to PA
-Lots of framed photos and collages
-Videos for me (I'll let him surprise me with what he says in them, but I imagine basically the same idea as Sam's)


In addition to those things, there's some other (kinda big!) things that need to be accomplished

-Find an apartment
-Find a storage unit
-Decide what will go to storage
-Decide when our actual move will be (difficult to plan without knowing an exact departure date...)
-Get forms from Military One Source to get free YMCA membership
-Sign Sam up for swimming, music, and tumbling

It's going to be a busy time. But busy is good right? Busy means I'm not sitting around and moping!

Holding it together

I've been using list making as a means to keep from going insane my whole life. And now, I need those lists more than ever. When I feel panicky about moving, or James' deployment, I pull out my notebook and pen and scribble down a list of some kind. Then I feel more in control, and can go back to whatever I had been doing. I guess there are worse things right?

To go back a few days.... the night that we found out Philip had been killed in Afghanistan, was the most upset I have ever seen my husband. It was a difficult evening for both of us. He came home from work and we both immediately lost control and sat on the couch for quite some time just holding each other and crying. Luckily Sam was content to play independently in his exersaucer and we were able to take time to gather ourselves together before putting him to bed. I had made a big crockpot full of chili and a pan of cornbread, but it sat un-eaten in the kitchen until much later that evening when James said, "You know, Phil would be pretty upset with us for letting food go to waste. He loved his food." We were able to laugh a little and eat dinner.

Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with his family during this difficult time, his funeral is going to be held in Texas this Saturday. We looked into how long the drive time will be, and how much plane tickets cost, but we're sadly not going to be able to make it. We'll be there in spirit though.

I've managed to get back to my planning and list making, as I said earlier in this post. Throwing myself into organizing and planning the next year for us, while stressful as anything, is really helping me right now. I have lists of possible apartments, lists of ideas for care package items and themes, lists of classes I'd like to sign Sam up for, lists of ways to keep Sam and James connected, lists of goals and projects I'd like to accomplish over the course of the deployment... lists and lists and lists.

I considered for a while starting up a new blog, to be used just during deployment, and the months leading up to it, but then I realized that this blog I have no has no specific purpose, so why not make it a deployment blog for a few months?

Yesterday I went to Target for a few things and, as always, wandered through the $1 section before visiting the rest of the store. I found some great, fun little things for James in there, and already have his first care package started! Once he's gone and I'm sending out my care packages, I'll post pictures here. I like the idea of doing themed care packages. He's going to be gone for a few important events and holidays that I'll send a themed care package for (our 2nd anniversary, family beach trip, Sam's 1st birthday, 4th of July, Labor Day camping trip, Halloween, Marine Corps Birthday, Thanksgiving...) but I have a few 'just for fun' themes as well.

Time seems to have gotten away from me here... Sam will be up soon from his nap, and I need to clean the master bathroom before he gets up and we go grocery shopping. I'll be glad to get out of the house for a while, I just wish it weren't so dreary and rainy (still) so that we could get out for a walk or something... hopefully we'll see some sun soon. Sam needs some fresh air! And so do I!

Rest In Peace Marine...

Today is a hard day. We found out this morning that a friend of ours, who used to work with James, was KIA in Afghanistan. His wife had just moved back to NC and moved into their new home earlier this week, as he was due to come home in just a couple weeks.

Shock doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. This is the first time a war casualty has hit so close to home.

I cannot imagine what his wife must be feeling right now. I literally can't let myself imagine it because I would fall apart.

The news of his death came only a week after James told me that his orders have changed and he will be going to Afghanistan this spring.


I'm feeling so many emotions right now. Sadness being the forefront, but fear tagging along right behind.

I almost feel bad, selfish, that in the midst of this family's sadness, I can't help but think about myself and my family.

I'm not stupid. I know that in war, people die. Until today, however, it didn't really seem real. Now all of a sudden, it feels like this could happen to us. All of a sudden this is something ugly that I need to face.

All day I've been looking at Sam and seeing his Daddy's face in all of his little features. How would I cope if all of a sudden I were a single parent? These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind before. Before I said 'yes' to marrying a Marine, these were things I needed to consider, but now they're all of a sudden not just thoughts to consider, but a very possible reality to face.

All I want to do right now is to curl up inside my husband's arms, but my heart aches when I think of my friend who would love to do the same thing, but can't and won't ever again.

This past week, I've been busy preparing for James' upcoming deployment. Finding an apartment for Sam and I in PA near my parent's house. Coming up with care package themes and ways to help Sam remember who Daddy is. Taking notes in a 5 subject notebook, making lists and keeping organized, telling myself that I'll come up with plenty of ways to make the time go by quickly.

I can't even look at that notebook now. I want to pretend that James isn't going anywhere. That we'll grieve our fallen friend together, but that we won't have to imagine this ever happening to us. But we can't do that. We need to face this. We've never really talked about this possibility because he was supposed to be starting a non deployable job that would last until the end of this enlistment. It wasn't on our radar. Since we found out that he's deploying, we've talked about how we will communicate, how he will stay in touch with Sam, where Sam and I will live, the logistics of moving, but we haven't mentioned what will happen if the worst should happen. After today, I know that it's something we need to talk about. Most likely, one of us will bring it up this evening.

It's hard when you have to face facts and realize that your worst nightmare is capable of coming true. I pray every single night that I will never have to face what my friend is facing right now. I pray every single night that Sam will never have to be without his Daddy.

And tonight I'll pray for the soul of a fallen hero, and for healing and love on his wife and family.

Rest in Peace Marine, and thank you for making the ultimate sacrifice.

Reflections and Resolutions

There are less than 48 hours left in 2011... whaaat? When did that happen? This year feels like it flew by. At the same time though, when I look back, New Years Eve last year seems like it was a whole different life! I guess, in a sense, it was a whole different life. Yes, I was pregnant, so I was sort of 'mommy' already, but my life didn't REALLY change until 6/7 when Sam came into the world. I thought it would be fun to post a little memory and picture from each month of 2011, and then I'll follow up with my resolutions and hopes for 2012 :)

January-

We found out that the little bean in my belly had boy parts. James left for South America. James' re enlistment paperwork did not go through properly and we went without pay for a few weeks :/ (not so fun when you're 20 weeks pregnant and your husband just left!)




February-

James was still in South America. I went to weekly lunch dates with the other wives from the platoon, and spent some fun days with my good friend (who was also pregnant) Nichole. At the end of the month I flew home to PA to visit family.




March-

Busy month! Had my baby shower and wrapped up my visit in PA, all of the baby shower gifts were left behind and my parents planned on driving them down to NC once we were in our new apartment. I prepared for James' homecoming, what an awesome day that was! We spent loooong afternoons/evenings packing up our small apartment. Towards the end of the month we headed out to Winston Salem for a Babymoon/post deployment mini vacation. We stayed at Graylyn Estate, very beautiful! We had a great time :)






April-

We moved into our new beautiful apartment! It was so fun getting Sam's nursery all set up. We went to a lot of baby prep. type classes. Lamaze, budgeting for baby, baby boot camp, stuff like that. I also took some pregnancy exercise classes at the gym on base. We went to a pig roast, and came home that night to huddle in our guest bathroom while toranados wreaked havok on Jacksonville. Eek!





May-

Lots of baby preparations. I was pretty much DONE being pregnant at this point. No, not the correct term 'finished', I was DONE. Stick a fork in me... done. It was hot, my back hurt, my ribs were bruised and had pinched nerves, heartburn, constant trips to the bathroom, exhaustion. Ugh. Whoever says pregnancy was one of the happiest times in their lives is kidding themselves! We spent a lot of weekends at the pool. Floating around FINALLY gave me some relief in my ribs and back! We went to the New River air show, got stuck in a couple major downpours, but had fun anyway. We had our 1 year anniversary and celebrated with a seafood dinner and Cold Stone.





June-

Finally! June! Time for the big event! Sam decided to join us on the 7th, only 1 week into June, but it felt like MONTHS into June. (I know that doesn't make sense, but I call it like I felt it!) After his traumatic entrance to the world, we went home and the rest of June is kind of a blur of 3am nursing sessions, diaper changes, and endless conversations involving the word 'swaddle'. James' parents came to visit for a long weekend when Sam was a week and a half old, and my mom came for a week shortly after they left.




July-

Started to find something of a sense of normalcy again (our new normal anyway), and cobbled together some sort of schedule. Sam and I had a lot of days of nursing and listening to music once James went back to work. I had my birthday and we celebrated with burgers and shakes from Andy's. I remember I ate my burger while nursing and got a lovely mixture of ketchup and mayo all over Sam. Whoops...




August-

Sam and I flew up to PA for a visit. We went to a wedding, a family reunion, had his first playdate, and did a whole lot of visiting. Sam did great with all of the travelling! In all honesty, it all really stressed me out, but I'm still so glad we went :)





September-

We went on our annual family camping trip with James' family over Labor Day weekend and had a blast. We hunkered down through hurricane Irene. James went to Florida for 10 days and Sam and I battled through some yucky sleep issues.





October-

Started using cloth diapers! Loving it! Went to work breaking Sam of his swing nap, and swaddle habit. Sam and I went home on a last minute, long weekend trip to PA for my Poppop's funeral. It was so sad, he was such a great man. But it was good knowing that his long period of suffering was finally over. It was also nice to get in a bonus visit with family, and a lot of people got to meet Sam for the first time.





November-

FINALLY broke Sam's swaddle and swing habit! And he started sleeping through the night! Woohoo! Drove up to PA for Thanksgiving, and Sam and I stayed a little longer while James went home for a few days. He came back and we went to his family's annual Christmas brunch.




December-

Spent just about a week and a half in Jacksonville, but still decorated our little tree, and our balcony. We left up all of our Christmas decorations and left behind a few presents so we could have our own quiet little Christmas once we got back from visiting family in the beginning of January. We spent a few days in MD with James' parents and then spent the rest of the holidays in PA. Lots of visiting, lots of food, and LOTS of presents!! We had a great time :)




What a year! What a great year :) Now onto some resolutions...

In 2012 I hope to:

-Start a fitness routine and stick to it
-Get something of my toned ballerina body back (don't feel the need to lose weight, but feel the need to tone up)
-Begin to make as many things homeade as possible
Examples: Bread, bagels, breakfast sandwiches, snacks, drinks, laundry detergent, cleaning wipes, baby wipes, oxy clean, household cleaners, hand lotion
-Organize!!
Examples: Hall desk, files, calenders, cleaning schedules, cabinets (kitchen and bath), Sam's toys

A whole lot of that stuff I'm hoping to accomplish with the help of pinterest ;)

Some of my hopes for 2012:

-For Sam to coninue growing and learning as awesomely as he is now
-For James to get enough time off that we can all enjoy a family vacation at the beach
-To get pregnant again?! It seems crazy to think of that, but unless something happens unexpectedly, we'd like to make a concious effort to try for baby #2 sometime in the Sept-Dec. 2012 time frame!

Here's to a great year!

Proud Nursing Mama!!

Today I could not be more proud to be a breastfeeding mother! This morning Sam and I participated in a 'nurse-in', happening in Target stores all over the country!

This past November, a nursing mother in Houston, TX sat down in a remote area of her local Target's clothing section to nurse her crying baby. She was approached by employees and asked to move to a fitting room. She said no, as she had a cart full of items that she didn't want to leave alone, and had already begun nursing. After saying no, employees continued to walk up to her and give her dirty looks. One employee even went so far as to tell her that they could have her arrested for indecent exposure. Following the incident, the mother called Target's corporate office to report what had happened. Target has released this statement:

"Target has a long-standing practice that supports breastfeeding in our stores. We apologize for any inconvenience the guest experienced and will take this opportunity to reaffirm this commitment with our team members. For guests in our stores, we support the use of fitting rooms for women who wish to breastfeed their babies, even if others are waiting to use the fitting rooms. In addition, guests who choose to breastfeed discreetly in more public areas of the store are welcome to do so without being made to feel uncomfortable."

The TX mom decided to stage a 'nurse-in', a group of woman getting together on a specific day to nurse their babies in public. She started a group on Facebook and as of today, that group has 6,622 memebers! Nurse-ins were planned all over the country for today (Dec. 28th) at 10am.

Yes, Target's policy is to allow women to breastfeed where and when they choose, but this isn't the first incident of mistreatment of a nursing mother at Target. And CERTAINLY not the first incident of mistreatment of a nursing mother at any public location. The point of the nurse-in was to show people that nursing is normal. No woman should be made to feel like she needs to hide when she's simply meeting her baby's most basic need! Would the fitting room have been more comfortable for this woman? Possibly. But I know, from personal experience, that once you begin nursing it's inconvenient to un latch your baby, move to a different location, and re latch. Difficult with a newborn who is just getting the hang of nursing, and difficult for older babies who are easily distracted by their surroundings. Some comments on articles I've read say that the biggest problem is that the woman should not have been sitting on the floor, and maybe she was in the way. Would there have been an issue had she been bottle feeding on the floor? I don't think there would have been. And really, in my opinion, her incident was just the last straw in a long line of incidences of breastfeeding woman being discriminated against.

It is entirely possible to breastfeed in a modest way! Even without a cover! (For the record, the woman who started the nurse-in, was covered by a large blanket while nursing). Sam does not tolerate a cover well, and actually draws MORE attention to himself when covered, so we nurse uncovered. Most of the time I don't even think people notice that he's eating.

Myself and one other mama went to a local Target (in Glen Mills, PA as we're visiting my family for the holidays. Otherwise I would have gone in NC to the Target near our apartment) We spoke with 2 local news stations, and then sat in the cafe nursing our babies and chatting. A lot of people are still very uneducated as far as breastfeeding, but it is my hope that someday in the near future, Mom's will be able to nurse their babies without fear of discrimination.

I'm proud to be a nursing mother and proud to be able to provide the very best nutrition for my baby boy!