Instead of yelling...

I've sat down to write this blog post several times in the past couple weeks, and a some small person or another keeps pulling me away. I have (hopefully) about 30 minutes before my smallest of small people wakes up hungry, so here goes!

Not yelling is harder than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be pretty hard. Some days it's a breeze. I calmly and quietly handle misbehavior, my heart rate stays normal, and our day is nice and smooth. Some days it is a physical and emotional struggle. Some days I can feel the yell in my throat. Like it's a seed or something I choked on. My heart goes faster and faster, and I fight so hard against the urge to yell. I don't always win, but I'll ya what, the times I DO win? Man it's a sweet sweet victory. It's such an amazing feeling to push down that yell, and speak calmly instead. The times I don't win? Well, those are not good times, but I make every effort to stop it as soon as I possibly can.

Some things I've learned:

-I am more likely to yell at Sam if Kate is fussing. And that is so not fair.

-Sometimes I feel like yelling, not because Sam is even doing anything particularly BAD, but because I'm frustrated with how slow it's happening or how much of a mess it's making.

-Yelling makes a temper tantrum/bout of misbehavior last at least twice as long as calmly dealing with it does.

-Time outs are more effective if they're used incredibly sparingly (continued misbehavior after several attempts to calmly stop it/redirect or repeated actions that could cause harm to himself or others)

-Sam is more likely to act out when he's bored. Sam is more likely to be bored when I am very busy with other things. I am more likely to yell when I am very busy with other things. I need to slow.down.and.simplify.

Some things I've done when the urge to yell is about to overtake me:

-Close my eyes and take several VERY deep breaths

-Shut myself in the bathroom or laundry room for a few moments

-Go outside.

The last one ^, go outside? A.m.a.z.i.n.g! Particularly when it's cold! I make sure both kids are safe (Kate is buckled into her swing or something where Sam can't mess with her) and I step out onto our front porch. It's like as soon as the fresh air hits my face I feel immediately better! I've always liked utilizing time outside for the KIDS when they're having a bad day, but now I love to utilize it for ME. 

Even better than stepping outside for a moment to pull myself together? Getting a chance (if Daddy gets home early enough) to go for a run on my own.

Yesterday was a TOUGH day. I did not win against the yelling. I was extremely tired. Kate's naps were all off and she was very fussy. The house was messy. Sam was messy. Sam was tired and slightly bored. It was an all around bad situation. James got home early, I nursed Kate, said, "I'll be RIGHT back", and laced up my running shoes. 

3 miles and a shower later, I was a new Mama. I scooped Sam up to snuggle on the couch and told him that Mama was sorry for yelling so much. He said, "Mama! Look at Sam's orange cement truck!" and gave me a hug. In Sam's world, that means all is forgiven ;)

Sam, my sweet sweet Sam, has started doing something that is both heart breaking and such an awesome reminder to keep my promise to him and to myself and stop the yelling. When I am upset with him, he grins, and says in a quiet voice, "Mamaaaaaaa. Smile.". Oh Sam, Mama wants to be able to always smile for you!

And so I will trudge on with my promise. I will be calmer. I will be quieter. I will be the very best Mama that I can be because I have been blessed with 2 amazing little people who deserve nothing less :)

 

2 1/2 (the 1/2 is very important)

Today is Sam's 'half birthday'. As of today he is officially 2 1/2 years old, and as of tomorrow he will be closer to age 3 than age 2. There's a part of me that wants to cry because 3 just seems so old. Then there's a part of me rocking back and forth in a corner praying to just make it to 3 without completely losing my mind. 2 is hard. 2 is really, really hard. 2 is also sweet, and still little enough to snuggle (sometimes), and exciting, and funny. And hard. So hard.

I love my amazing, smart, sweet little boy with all of my heart, but I also stand outside his bedroom every morning and take a HUGE deep breath while praying, "Please let this be a good day. Oh dear God, please let this be a good day.".

On a good day you'll find us happily building towers and cars with his blocks mid-morning. Singing songs, laughing, showing baby Kate different colors... lots and lots of kisses and hugs. Time goes by so quickly and nap time sneaks up on us before we even know what hit us.

On a bad day it's likely that you'll find me locked in the bathroom. One or both (or all 3...) of us will be in tears. I will be doubting my abilities as a mother and counting the slow (oh so very slow) seconds til nap time.

The other day was an epic example of 2. Throw on top of normal '2-ness', molars coming through, just coming home from a visit with both sets of grandparents, hunger, tiredness, and too many days in the house and... well, it was disastrous to say the least. And I am not proud of how I handled it. I yelled. I yelled WAY too much. I yelled for him to stop. I yelled for him to be quiet. I yelled for him to, "Just go and play!", I yelled, "And now you've woken your sister!". There was far.too.much.yelling. My yelling was just making his behavior worse because it was upsetting him, and the worse his behavior got, the more frustrated I got, and the more I yelled. It was a vicious cycle.

So I gave myself a time out. I took a handful of chocolate chips into the bathroom and locked the door. I ate the chocolate, I cried a little, shook a LOT, took several very deep breaths and came out to try again.

So much of mothering a 2 year old is 'trying again'. The lunch he devoured happily yesterday gets a firm, "NO!" today, so we try again. The songs we sang yesterday are no fun today, so we try again. We don't quite make it to the potty in time, so we get new undies and try again. I yell too much, I try again.

After the epic bad day earlier this week, I took a good look at how I've been handling Sam's '2-ness'. I don't think I'm doing a terrible job at all, but I do think I can do better. And then I read a blog post (it will.not.load. on my computer right now so I can't link the actual post, but check out www.theorangerhino.com if you get the chance!) titled '10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling At My Kids'. And it struck a cord. Big time.

So I'm going to make a 'no yelling' pact. Right here right now. I will find other ways to teach Sam right from wrong. I will find other outlets for my frustration. I will recognize when I want to yell just because I'm sleepy, or because I'm tired of answering the same questions, or because I'm frustrated that our plans for the day aren't working out the way I wanted them to. I will raise my voice when it's appropriate, "Stop your feet Sam! No street!" or, "Your dump truck is too close to Kate's head!", but I will NOT yell, "Sam! Just go play!". I will not raise my voice to say, "That's ENOUGH!".

I think there's going to be a LOT of mommy time outs. I'm probably going to consume a LOT of chocolate chips (good thing I'm a runner?). But I think, in the end, this is going to help us through the 'terrible' (I feel bad calling them that sometimes....) 2s. I started the 'no yelling' thing yesterday afternoon through today and it's already been so.much.smoother. Sam isn't all of a sudden a perfectly behaved child (that would be weird anyway...), and I still get incredibly frustrated at times, but just in general, our day is smoother.

So here we go! I'm hoping when I post an update on my 'no yelling pact' in a few weeks that it will be a positive one! And to all the other mamas of 2 year olds out there, this is me giving you a big.gigantic ((((((((hug)))))))). If I could give you some chocolate, I would! (Have you noticed a theme here? I do love chocolate...)